Truth is aesthetically displeasing, aesthetic displeasure is truth

The world gets that little bit more horrible in my mind each time I realize a truth. That a politician will never break the mould, that promises of transperancy, honesty, integrity are impossible standards that no one can live up to, but they must make them to have a chance. That rape has nothing to do with sex drive and more likely comes from resentment over womens power, they call the shots and decided who and when, an inevitable result of evolution just as rape is which can result in a pregnancy just as easily. Although truth is limited by our current data and ability to interpret and understand data, a new truth might be realised and the world in my mind will change but always for the horrible and this is a truth that I cant see changing.

Mind full of mind

I've been embracing anxiety inducing thoughts in an effort to trigger the painful physical symptoms and enjoy them in a masochistic way. It may lead me further down the path of madness or allow me to engage in behavior I would otherwise avoid, most of which is useful sometimes even essential. The best case scenario is that the anxiety or the symptoms will reduce and I will fell less like I am dying after I talk to people.

I'm not sure when it got to the point that every word I spoke felt like a insult or offensive smell that exposed my secret disdain for the world and everyone in it. I don't want people to think I hate them and often I dont, but I often patronize people in everyday conversation. I stop thinking about thoughts and thinking about thinking about thoughts and speak with a filter and when the only compliments that stay with me are that I am smart or have good taste it is all I have.

I hate people because I hate myself, I cant forgive small mistakes or cruelties because I cant forgive my own stupidity.

I am not that smart though but very thoughtful (obsessively so) and knowledgeable. I assume other people are as 'smart' and talk about things they dont know about, this might make them feel stupid but if I realise and mention it explicitly how could they not or at least think of me as pretentious and self-absorbed/obsessed.