Mind full of mind

I've been embracing anxiety inducing thoughts in an effort to trigger the painful physical symptoms and enjoy them in a masochistic way. It may lead me further down the path of madness or allow me to engage in behavior I would otherwise avoid, most of which is useful sometimes even essential. The best case scenario is that the anxiety or the symptoms will reduce and I will fell less like I am dying after I talk to people.

I'm not sure when it got to the point that every word I spoke felt like a insult or offensive smell that exposed my secret disdain for the world and everyone in it. I don't want people to think I hate them and often I dont, but I often patronize people in everyday conversation. I stop thinking about thoughts and thinking about thinking about thoughts and speak with a filter and when the only compliments that stay with me are that I am smart or have good taste it is all I have.

I hate people because I hate myself, I cant forgive small mistakes or cruelties because I cant forgive my own stupidity.

I am not that smart though but very thoughtful (obsessively so) and knowledgeable. I assume other people are as 'smart' and talk about things they dont know about, this might make them feel stupid but if I realise and mention it explicitly how could they not or at least think of me as pretentious and self-absorbed/obsessed.